No need to be heavy-handed

Should you be such a person, please permit me to suggest some simple ways of keeping the public on your side and making us co-operative rather than resentful.

If you are a member of the security staff in a public place such as a museum, a sports centre or a shopping centre, for example, try to keep your behaviour appropriate for a member of security staff in a public space such as a museum, a sports centre or a shopping centre.

You will note that most of your colleagues are friendly and approachable. Behave like them and not as if your work is as important and unrelentingly dangerous as that of the bloke who rides the back bumper of Obama’s limo.

If you see somebody breaking a rule, such as wearing inappropriate shoes or taking a photo of their grandchild in a zone where photography is forbidden, tell them so, but do not bark reprimands at them as if they were a threat to civilisation. Do not threaten to call the police and do not make up anti-terrorist laws they’ve supposedly broken.

Smile a bit. If your uniform includes a peaked cap, do not take your cap home and hold the brim over the spout of a steaming kettle so that it shrinks and covers your eyes when you put it on again.

Do not wear shades indoors. Do not arrange the items on your belt – such as your radio, spare batteries and first aid kit – in such a way that people think you fantasise about having a big gun there.

If you are an official whose duty takes you outdoors, remember that any member of the public in a public place is entitled to photograph or film any person or thing visible in or from that public place, provided they do not do so as part of a criminal enterprise.

In other words, if you see somebody taking a photo of a town hall, a church or suchlike, feel free to politely ask what they’re up to if you wish. Do not prance about like a big macho fool, shout threats and generally behave as though you’ve just caught Bin Laden’s less reasonable brother or sister.

Quite apart from being a nasty thing to do, such conduct will make the public speculate unkindly that, were you ever confronted by a real terrorist instead of an obviously innocent person, you’d run a three-minute mile while simultaneously losing control of certain bodily functions.

If you work on security at an airport, rest assured that we know it’s not your fault you have to stop people for random baggage searches. Nor is it your fault that you have to go through tiresome, ridiculous procedures such as checking grandma’s wheelchair to make sure it isn’t stuffed with Semtex, probing orthopaedic pillows for atom bombs or seizing tiny plastic guns from Toy Story figurines.

However, if some of you – not all, but some – could see your way clear to not looking absolutely delighted when some harassed traveller innocently breaks a rule, that would be great.

So you seized a nun’s nail clippers or a back-packer’s puncture repair kit? Wow, talk about laying your life on the line to keep us safe. I’m sure your George Cross is in the post.

(If you work on security at Bristol Airport, incidentally, none of the above applies to you, as you are nice and sensible and cheery, and say things like: “Remember to take your belts off, my loves, and you’ll be through in no time.”) Finally, if you happen to be an important politician, kindly refrain from saying things like: “We’ll face this threat together.”

Or at least, refrain from saying so unless you’re going to let us all travel in bullet-proof limos and be guarded from harm by big blokes with machine guns, just like you are.

• I WAS sorry to hear that a Gorse Hill family has had another of their pets attacked by what is described as a ‘Staffy’-type dog.

  I’m also sorry for Staffordshire Bull Terriers, English Bull Terriers, Rottweilers, American Bulldogs and all the other breeds who are often involved in these incidents.

  In the hands of good people – and most are – there is absolutely nothing sinister about these creatures. It’s not the breeds’ fault that they also appeal to a small number of feral people, or that feral people tend to have feral dogs.

  Perhaps it’s time to bring back the old dog licence, only this time with a special “feral people clause” that keeps all dogs out of the wrong hands. I was going to suggest that feral people should be confined to having goldfish, but that would be cruel to the goldfish.

  The feral people would probably feed them up on steroids, make them into the most aggressive and deranged fish in Britain and then get bored and turn them loose in park ponds.

• NORTH Swindon MP Justin Tomlinson has commendably added his backing to an NSPCC campaign highlighting the risks of social networking.

  If I had my way, whenever anybody – of any age - attempted to upload a photo, they’d be greeted by the message: “Would you want your mum to see this?”

  I reckon it’d work wonders.

• AND now a tricky mathematical problem.

  Here are three facts: (1) Tax payers are increasingly likely to face a £2m bill following last year’s Averies fire and the collapse of the company.

  (2) With the local public potentially liable for the cost of a disaster such as the fire, it’s difficult to understand how the site was permitted by the relevant public officials to have got into such a state.

  (3) The best Japanese pearl divers can hold their breath for as long as 10 minutes.

  In view of the above facts, how many breaths is it likely that a Japanese pearl diver would have to take before anybody in authority is held to account for the Averies disaster?

  The answer, of course, is that there is no upper limit to the figure, and any inquiry will conclude that no individual should be held responsible.

  Can’t have any witch-hunts, can we - not even if we find a broomstick or a cauldron with somebody’s name engraved on it.