IT looks as though Jamie Oliver’s calls for a sugar tax are going down about as well here as they are at Number 10, writes BARRIE HUDSON.

Cynics might suggest this universal opposition is because politicians all over the country know that if they introduced a levy of up to 20 per cent on sugary food and drink, they’d be out of office before you could say: “Have to get a proper job.”

Whatever their motives, we should welcome their stance. Common sense, even if it comes by accident or as an unintended side effect of political expediency, is a good thing.

You see, sugar doesn’t cause obesity, any more than alcohol causes drunkenness. I know, because I’ve proved it.

Some weeks ago, having assembled some spare cash, I went to the supermarket and purchased five kilos of fudge, half a dozen big chocolate cakes, a pint of golden syrup and a couple of gallons of non-diet lemonade.

While I was there, I thought I might as well kill two scientific birds with one stone, so I also bought two bottles of the cheapest, strongest vodka they had and 16 cans of extra strong lager.

Then, when I got home I put it all in the sideboard and left it there for a fortnight.

At the end of the fortnight I weighed myself and found my body mass hadn’t fluctuated significantly. In addition I had a doctor friend administer a blood test, and she reported no trace of alcohol in my system.

I then opened the sideboard, retrieved the items I’d bought and set about consuming the vodka, the extra strong lager, the big cakes, the non-diet lemonade, the fudge and the golden syrup.

It took a total of two and a half days, at the end of which I was so heavy that I broke my sofa when I sat on it. I also couldn’t walk properly, was seeing spiders climbing the living room wall, slurred my words and had the novel experience of being able to feel my heart chugging away like an overloaded bilge pump.

My conclusion? That sugar doesn’t cause obesity and alcohol doesn’t cause drunkenness. No, it’s when you shove these substances down your neck like there’s no tomorrow that the problems start.

It would therefore be somewhat unfair to have a sugar tax. Why should some little old lady have to pay 20p in the pound more for a box of cream cakes that’ll last her a week, just because some people prefer to inhale them by the lorry load?

Perhaps a better idea than hurting the customer would be to oblige any food or drink sold in a big shop to have packaging showing exactly how much sugar is present – and to show the data clearly rather than in grams per spoonful or whatever.

Salt too, for that matter. And the various random chemicals used to make cheap ingredients palatable.

Then we’ll have no excuse for trowelling down sugar-laden muck, and big business will be obliged to tell us exactly what we’re being fed.

I’m sure our political elite wouldn’t have any problem introducing the necessary changes, even if certain firms threatened to withdraw donations.