Counsellor Fiona Caine tackles your dilemmas

I don’t understand why it is that I seem to bring out the worst in other people.

Ever since schooldays I’ve been a loner because people avoided me, but it’s got worse. Now people are downright nasty.

Last time I went shopping and asked one of the staff for help, she completely ignored me, but then turned around and helped someone else.

People even mutter comments under their breath when I walk past them and I don’t know what I’ve done to deserve this. Can you help me?

Fiona says

I don’t know if you are making people antagonistic towards you because of something others find unpleasant or whether you are imagining some or all of this. It may be that something happened to you when you were younger that puts you on the defensive with other people who then perceive that as aggression from you. Talk to your GP about getting a referral to other sources of help – a behavioural therapist, for example.

Scared to invite people over

I belong to a book group and we meet in one another’s houses once a month for tea and cakes.

Up to now, I’ve managed to avoid having people back to my place because I’m such a lousy cook and my house is always a mess. I’m also one of the few people in the group with kids and I don’t think noisy teenagers would help the discussion.

All my friends have homes that are nicer than mine and I am nervous about inviting them here, but I’m not sure how much longer I can go on finding excuses.

Fiona says...

Why do you have to worry about finding excuses? Either tell your friends that, because you have children at home, it is too difficult for you to host the group or let them come and see your life as it is. There is no point in creating a false image of you and your family – and if your house is a noisy, busy one, so be it. I wouldn’t mind betting some of your friends have older children who have moved out or at least have nieces and nephews. I also wouldn’t mind betting that some of them have been just as anxious as you are about being judged. So, just buy cakes, relax and have fun.