THE other day the Adver spoke to some local headteachers.

They said money was so tight that they were having to cut back on countless things, including teaching assistants.

In light of this, I thought I’d better offer some advice to any politician currently or likely to be in a position to reverse this horrific underfunding.

The advice applies to people of all political alignments, as people of all political alignments have at one time or another presided over the welfare of our schools.

My message to those politicians is simple.

Ignore the claims of underfunding entirely.

When head teachers say they have so little cash that they are increasingly unable to run their schools properly, tell yourself they’re simply having a laugh.

Tell yourself that having spent many years in teaching, and having had the skill and dedication not only to excel in the classroom but also to take on the immense additional responsibilities of a headship, they’ve got the time and energy to make daft claims for a bit of a joke. Not for them the endless hours of toil, both during and outside school hours, associated with ensuring our children and young people have the education they need and deserve.

Nope, they’re too busy emailing one another with suggestions for their next piece of merry japery.

“What shall we say in our next public announcement, then?”

“How about saying we’ve been in contact with aliens who want us to send all the kids on a two-week exchange visit to Alpha Centauri, but because of the laws of relativity they’ll all be in their nineties when they get back?

“Or that we’ve all joined a cult run from an out-of-the-way corner of Arkansas, and morning assembly’s going to be replaced by freeform raccoon worship?”

“No, no, I’ve got a better one. Let’s say we haven’t got any money and that children’s education will suffer horribly unless we get some.”

“Brilliant!What laugh!”

That’s why it’s okay to ignore anything the headteachers say. Besides, it’s not as if head teachers actually know anything about education or how much money schools need, is it? They don’ t have the foggiest idea.

When they say, for example, that their schools have already made every conceivable economy but that they’re expected to exist on tens of thousands of pounds less next year, they’re just being grumpy and complaining for the sake of complaining.

They need to adjust their attitudes. They need to stop coming up with problems and start coming up with solutions instead. They need to stop telling you what they can’t do and start telling you what they can do instead of whingeing.

You must also remind yourself that it’s simply not true to claim schools are underfunded, and that you have the specially-prepared statistics to prove it.

Those figures clearly show that schools are so thoroughly awash with money that children can barely walk the corridors for fear of tripping over stacks of used twenties or stubbing their toes on the gold ingots used as classroom doorstops.

Yes, keep telling yourselves that.

You have to, because if you ever came to believe the headteachers were telling the truth, you’d inevitably have to believe that children’s lives and futures were being blighted every day, that their potential was steadily being sapped.

You would have to admit that this wickedness was happening with your knowledge, that you were in a position to stop it - or at least decry it - and were not doing so.

And that might be more than a little uncomfortable for you.