If you are an elfin faced sniveler/your granny has popped her clogs/you are delusional/this is everything to you/have lived all your 15 years waiting for this/are no good at singing/are a born 'entertainer', or if you would like to be working at Butlins in less than a year, the X-factor is the show for you.

Let’s face it this programme is only good when the really sad cases are on in the early stages; so we can have a good laugh at the hopeful that 'this means everything to me', who is accompanied by an encouraging entourage of doting family and who sounds like a demented nameless cat being further abused by Blue Peter presenters. Love sometimes truly is blind and on X-factor it is also stone deaf.

As for the crybabies that lose, who ‘only had this one chance' and whose life is now over. Well no, if you had any talent you could do things the hard way like everybody else in the music business. Or just go back to McDonalds.

Oh and by the way, you won’t get anywhere singing the drivel/cloned guff they make you sing on this programme anyway. No, you will need something perhaps unknown to you...originality.

There’s only one thing on this programme that is worth watching, Danni Minogue.
Mind you that Sharon Osbourne, mmm....nah.




Ps.
All of the above is rubbish if you include Leona Lewis. Drat, I’ll make it small print and down at the bottom and maybe no one will notice.
Hey…who said it was rubbish anyway?