Mean Machine by Michael Seabourne

Mean Machine is a comedy film based around football, directed by Barry Skolnick and released in 2001. It stars Vinnie Jones as an ex-international footballer who is arrested for drink driving and assault of a police officer and sent to Longmarsh prison to serve a three year sentence. Once inside the prison, he has to try and stay friendly with the guards and the prisoners whilst keeping the corrupt prison owner happy to avoid lengthening his sentence. He ends up as captain of the convicts’ football team, and has to assemble a winning squad to beat the guards’ conference team in a pre-season friendly.

The film is generally light-hearted, and combines moments of comedy genius with accurate depiction of the world of football, capturing every element of the game wonderfully. The casting is done extremely well, especially Vinnie Jones in the main role as Danny Meehan. Jones plays this character extremely well, combining the skill of an ex-footballer (which gets shown off football fans, don’t worry) with his sheer presence as a well-known ‘hard man’. However, the casting goes deeper than that. It also stars Jason Statham as the mentally unstable Scot, ‘The Monk’, which he plays very well, providing some very funny (albeit often violent) moments. Statham plays his part well, but whilst Jones provides the skill and Statham the presence, the real comedy gold is to be found in less well-known members of the cast. Danny Dyer plays Billy the limpet, a keen football fan and avid follower of Meehan who simply lacks the skill to be a footballer himself and appears extremely pathetic in social situations. The rest of the cast all have their funny moments too, and it combines to make them extremely loveable and side-splittingly funny.

Of course Mean Machine is based around football, and so the convicts are given a chance to show off their ‘skills’. The most notable moments are when Meehan smashes home a long-range volley for the first goal of the convicts-guards game in a spectacular display of Vinnie Jones’ skill, and also a mention has to be given to Trojan, played by Robbie Gee, an extravagant striker who manages to beat just about every defender on the pitch but lacks the team-mindedness to really be of much help. And what sort of film would it be if the useless but keen Billy the limpet came through to score the final goal in fabulous style? And chucked in around the footballing magic are moments of comedy that will have you rolling on the floor laughing. The comedy is often slapstick, but the use of occasional wit makes it all the more effective.

The music, put together by John Murphy, is also effective and is perfectly suited to the football. The film does contain violence and use of bad language, but it makes the prison scene all the more convincing and really makes you feel for the characters, and in some cases relate to them. To summarise I think Mean Machine is an extremely funny film that captures football perfectly, and I would definitely recommend it to anyone who enjoys comedy, loves football or just wants to see a well put together film starring a loveable cast and a surprisingly thick plot, as it delves you deep into the world of the corrupt prison. My rating: 4/5