I AM the subject of an investigation.
No I’m not in the frame for drug smuggling, murder, shoplifting or poaching.
The serious matter at hand — which may take up to a fortnight to resolve — is a damaged recycling bin.
I can understand why there is such a great deal of mystery surrounding said item.
After all, upon my return to my house last week, I found my trusty old bin missing part of its lid and all of one side. I am guessing it blew into the road after having been emptied and was the victim of a hit and run. Mysterious indeed.
I duly reported this via the council website and requested a new bin. Rather cheekily, perhaps, I asked if I could possibly have one in time for my next collection date of Friday.
I received a response on the next working day via an email which informed me: “I have raised a case for the Waste and Recycling Department, who will investigate within 14 working days.”
Investigate? What are they going to do? Hold a stake-out? Carry out door to door inquiries?
“Sorry to disturb you, sir, we’re investigating a case of a broken recycling bin. Did you see anything suspicious some time between 9am and 7pm last Friday?”
I’m desperately trying to come up with an alibi. Hopefully the woman in the corner shop will remember me but I have to be honest, I can’t account for all of my actions throughout the day.
I am fearful of becoming the victim of a miscarriage of justice. I shall be known as the Recycling Bin One.
Presumably even when the stake-out and door to doors are complete and the investigative team have huddled round the white board into the early hours several nights in a row making clever connections between the bin and its brokenness, they will still have to wait for the post mortem.
“Yes, guv, it’s definitely broken.”
“Yes, yes, we know that, Detective Constable Jobsworth, but what is the cause of brokenness?”
“Well, guv, it’s erm... cracked. Possibly by a car driving into it. Or somebody could have stamped on it.”
“Bring her in DC Jobsworth, let’s put the pressure on, she knows something, I’m telling you.”
And that’s it. Game over. I’ll crack (a bit like my recycling bin) in the light of the relentless questions and accusations and admit to wilfully destroying my own bin so I cannot put out my recycling and instead have to live in a house which is starting to look like a junk yard.
And here was me thinking they’d just bring me a new bin.
#Cool for cats (and dogs)
WE’VE all heard the maxim “a dog is for life, not just for Christmas”. It’s been so successful that even suggesting you might give someone a puppy as a Christmas present turns you into a social pariah. Even if you intend to keep them for the rest of their lives.
Now there’s a new campaign, which I find rather jaw-dropping: “A dog is not just for ‘likes’.”
Pet charity Blue Cross has revealed the results of a survey of 1,000 Brits which shows we are obsessed with showing off our pets on social media sites - and some breeds are more Facebook friendly than others, it transpires.
Apparently, a staggering one in seven people admitted they would choose a specific breed of cat and dog based on the number of ‘likes’ they think the pet will get on social media.
Of course this is assuming they can lift their knuckles off the floor long enough to post anything on social media. Pugs and French Bulldogs are the most popular Instagrammed hash-tagged breed. Meanwhile the Tabby and the Maine Coon (the what?) top the poll for pusses, the humble moggy shuffling in at a poor 14th place. I can’t work out whether the world has gone bonkers or the Blue Cross is having a funny five minutes. Surely nobody gets a pet because they’ll look cool on social media. And surely everyone who owns a pet knows theirs is the coolest anyway.
What a week...
WE received a press release the other day telling us what special days and weeks are happening in March.
I didn’t get round to looking at it for a few days but I am delighted to report that among those listed are National Fix A Leak Week (March 20-26), National Umbrella Month, Fill Our Staplers Day (March 13) and Return The Borrowed Books Week (March 5-11).
Today is Lips Appreciation Day, by the way, which sounds ripe for sexual harassment cases and potential arrests, so be careful out there.
I note that March 5 to 11 was also national procrastination week. I’m a bit upset I missed this one as procrastination is one of my strong points. I might celebrate it this week instead. Or maybe next week. Or the week after...