PEOPLE sometimes ask me: “As a journalist you must know a bit about current events, so what are these new tax rules all about then?”

My replies tend to vary depending on which pub I’m in and how long I’ve been there.

To all those I’ve counselled to check with their accountant, Citizens’ Advice or the Money Advice Service, I have nothing to add.

However, there are some to whom I’ve said things such as: “The grasshoppers are coming out of the walls again and they want my pancreas! My pancreas, I tell you, those little stridulating demons of Hell!”

To those people, I apologise. I’m feeling better now and I want to make it up to you by dispensing some proper advice here. I know there are still many people who are confused by new rules allowing the taxman to help himself to any disputed sum from your bank account rather than getting a court order first.

Some of you reading this will be wondering, say, what will happen if you’ve been wrongly overpaid a small sum in your child tax credits.

The answer is that you will be pursued mercilessly, sent threatening letters and have to listen to Inland Revenue spokespeople describing you in terms usually reserved for the lowest scum and vermin of society.

You will be blamed for every ill in Britain, ranging from problems in the NHS to school infrastructure.

The spokespeople will say you are as morally culpable as if you had personally removed the roof from a dozen primary schools in the dead of winter, or crept through an intensive care unit at three in the morning, disconnecting IV lines and unplugging respirators.

If you fail to give in to their demands, they’ll take the cash anyway, even if it means you lose your home. Should you end up living under a railway arch and your children have to be put into care, the spokespeople will say it’s your own fault.

The same will apply if you are, say, a senior citizen who has made an honest error in filling out a form. Come to think of it, the same will apply if you’ve done absolutely nothing wrong but are falsely accused of owing money because of an error by some innumerate, unsackable incompetent.

Although this is all very worrying on the face of it, all may not be lost.

You may have forgotten some mitigating factor which could change things. Do you happen, for example, to be the head of a huge multi-billion pound corporation? Failing that, do you recall amassing a gigantic fortune in some godforsaken hellhole where human life is about as valuable as a spat-out lump of chewing gum, and then coming to Britain because you didn’t want to end up under the same flyover as your old business rivals?

If so, you should be fine. Simply invite some senior tax officials and politicians out for lunch – or several lunches – and explain that you feel the tax demand is unfair. The sort of restaurant where the bread rolls cost 80 quid apiece and the wine list could buy a street of houses should do the job nicely.

You might also want to offer the authorities a few million quid – your loose change, in other words – as a ‘goodwill’ gesture.

Alternatively, simply have your accountant minimise your bills in a way which goes completely against the spirit of everybody paying their fair whack.

Don’t worry about being caught, as the worst that can happen is that you’ll have to pay what you should have paid anyway.

  • THE company in charge of refurbishing the Oasis says work on the roof and poolside area, delayed since the end of last year, will hopefully be complete by January.

Is some sort of guarantee out of the question? Times are hard, but I seem to remember being told everything would be wonderful once the new arrangements for running the centre were in place.

 

The memories of motoring

HERE’S a big thank you to Royal Wootton Bassett Classic Car Club and the town council for the gathering they organised in the town at the weekend.

The 1960s and 1970s models in particular brought memories flooding back. To all those of similar vintage who were there or even just read about it and looked at the pictures in the Adver, here’s my bet as to what you were reminded of: l Trying to listen to a Radio One Roadshow with someone like Tony Blackburn as Mum and Dad argued over the route to a holiday caravan.

  • Coming back to the family car with bare legs on a summer day and feeling the vinyl seats burn off a layer of skin.
  • Nervously watching a car sickness-prone sibling having yet more Panda Cola and crisps, and trying to work out which bit of the back seat wouldn’t be in the blast zone.
  • Dad refusing to crack open a window because it was October, and also refusing to stop lighting up a Number Six or similar every few miles, so you felt like a kipper by the time you got to Grandma’s house.
  • Not having to worry about mortgages, finances and other grown-up stuff.  


  • Hoping justice will be done

    A FEW days ago about 30 cars were scratched and had their wing mirrors damaged in a late night vandalism spree.

It seems someone thought it would be a great chuckle to stroll along Graham Street and other streets nearby, causing damage that’s going to cost thousands of pounds to put right.

Here’s hoping that, unlike last year when not enough evidence could be found to prosecute whoever slashed more than 100 people’s tyres in a single night, somebody will actually be brought to justice.

Incidentally, I’ll be interested to look at the ‘Criminal Damage’ section of the crime figures for this month when they’re released by senior officials. Will what happened last week be counted as 30-odd offences or, er, not that many?

Whatever the number given, we should all remember that crime is becoming far less frequent, we’re safer than we’ve ever been and the media makes things seem worse than they really are.

And the fact that many of the people telling us this live in gated neighbourhoods is neither here nor there.

Now I think about it, the person who vandalised those cars was probably a member of the media trying to generate a sensational story.