THERE’S talk of fining dog owners who let their animals off the lead in certain parts of Lydiard Park.
If the proposals go ahead, anybody failing to comply could find themselves staring down the wrong end of a Public Spaces Protection Order.
The idea is to prevent other people’s enjoyment from being spoiled by badly-behaved dogs.There’s nothing wrong with that, but wouldn’t a better approach be to go after the owners of the badly-behaved animals instead of the whole lot?
If the change does go ahead, can we have an assurance that it will be uniformly enforced? We wouldn’t want a situation in which the respectable owners of well-behaved pets were seen as easy targets, but thugs who regard aggressive, nuisance dogs as status symbols were allowed to carry on regardless.

Scoring soundbites will seal my EU vote

WITH well under a month to go before the EU referendum, I daresay some of you are finding it difficult to decide how to vote.

I’m the same. Both sides of the debate make some good points and weighing them all up is no easy matter.

Just to make things more confusing, it’s impossible to watch a news programme or pick up a paper without being confronted by the views of politicians and celebrities.

In case I’m unable to make a decision based purely on the merits of one outcome or another, I’ve decided to start making one based on the comments of all those politicians and celebrities.

That doesn’t involve believing what they say, of course. Instead, I have two sheets of A4 paper, and I’ve written the number 100 at the top of each. I’ve also written FOR THE EU on one and AGAINST THE EU on the other.

Starting on the first day of June, I’m going to start noting who is in favour of what and subtracting one point from the total on the sheet if certain criteria are met.

For example, if a politician appears on the telly and bangs their gums about how leaving the EU would be a disaster for British industry, I’ll be sure to find out something about that politician’s business interests.

Is the politician, say, in the pay of some firm or been promised a directorship of one?

Does that firm benefit immensely from open borders because it can import desperate people from poverty-stricken corners of Europe, pay them buttons, treat them like garbage and then claim unemployed British people don’t want to work?

If so, a point is deducted.

On the other side of the grubby coin, if a politician insists that leaving the EU would be great for British business, are they angling for closer trade ties with America? Indeed, are they friendly with any American firms which treat workers like indentured servants and want to come here in exchange for not having to pay taxes?

Again, if the answer is in the affirmative, I’ll deduct a point.

Points will also be deducted according to the character and record of any politician expressing an opinion.

Could the politician, for example, be accurately categorised as a war criminal? If so, deduct a point.

The politician presumes to lecture ordinary people about belt-tightening while luxuriating in a six-figure salary and expenses deal? Deduct a point.

The politician has been known to make expenses claims for enough groceries to feed an average family? Deduct a point.

The politician said so much as a single word in defence of an expenses-fiddling colleague? Deduct a point.

The politician has offered their services to an undercover reporter posing as a lobbyist in exchange for a nice backhander? Deduct a point.

The politician has ever called for politicians’ expenses to be exempt from Freedom of Information legislation? Deduct a point.

The politician has called for ordinary people to have to pay more for a drink, while cheerily getting bevvied at our expense in a subsidised Commons bar? Deduct a point.

The politician has proclaimed that there’s nothing wrong with NHS cuts, secure in the knowledge that they, their spouse and their brats go private all the way? Deduct a point.

When celebrities express a view on the matter, slightly different criteria must be brought into play.

For example, does the celebrity expressing an opinion actually live here, or do they spend most of their time in gated communities in California, Florida, the south of France or somewhere of that nature? Depending on the answer, a point may be deducted.

If they do live in this country, do they live in a great big mansion guarded by gorillas in casualwear and mirrored sunglasses? If they do, deduct a point?

Are they prone to the cocaine-addled delusion that because they can recite a script, do a dance or sing a song their every pronouncement is Holy Writ? Deduct a point.

Do they like to make moral pronouncements in spite of having a private life resembling a modern-day recreation of the Marquis de Sade’s 120 Days of Sodom set in a tool-hire shop? If so, deduct a point.

Have they ever attempted to hide their stinking hypocrisy with a super-injunction? If so, deduct a point.

The only problem I can foresee regarding my strategy is not being able to write the changing numbers fast enough.

  • I NOTICED that some homeless people had quietly set up tents on the Lawns in Old Town a while ago.
    It can’t be the most comfortable way to spend one’s days, but I can think of worse options.
    Top of the list would be having to sleep in a multi-storey car park because no suitable bed can be found in a town which houses about 200,000 people.