THERE’S a debate over whether Swindon taxi drivers should have to instal CCTV.

The borough council says doing so would improve safety for drivers and passengers alike, while some drivers worry about the cost.

Perhaps the council and the drivers here and everywhere else should look at alternative sources of funding.

I reckon the makers of nature documentaries would be a good bet, especially as we approach the festive season – the period during which certain of us engage in traditional behaviour which would surely interest both the general viewer and the scientific community alike.

I envisage a late-night programme presented by a group of cheery people in jolly sweaters.

“Good evening and welcome to this evening’s edition of Drunkwatch.

And what a packed programme we have for you. Let’s go to Swindon first of all, where there are lots of people having nights out with colleagues, and the driver of the taxi containing Drunk Cam Three has just picked up a group of revellers from outside a pub.

They’ve only been out for a couple of hours, but most of them seldom visit a pub other than at this time of year. If you’ve been watching our online feed you’ll know they just spent 20 minutes trying to work out how the exterior door handles work – and one tried to get in through a non-existent sun roof.

Some of our group apparently want to go home while the rest are thinking about going on to a club.

Let’s listen in as the Alpha Drunk explains this to the patient and long-suffering driver...Did you hear that? The call of the Alpha Drunk is unmistakable. ‘Blurgmknnyurblefnitthpple.’

Is the driver able to decipher? No...no, he doesn’t seem able to, which means the Alpha Drunk will probably give the same call again, only a bit louder this time.

Yes...yes, there it is. ‘Blurgmknnyurblefnitthpple.’

What a truly magnificent moment.

We’ll return to Drunk Cam Three later to see how things are progressing, but for now we’re switching to Drunk Cam Two, which is capturing two drunks with what appear to be packages of fast for the evening meal once they get home.

Or will they open it and begin feeding during the journey? Yes they are – we’re very lucky this evening!

But what do they have? One is taking out a – yes, it’s a pizza box. But what will the topping be? Let’s wait. Treble anchovies!

Will our drunk manage to eat that extra large slice without a mishap? Wait...did you see that? The entire topping slid from the pizza on to the floor of the taxi! He’s after it straight away; he isn’t going to let those anchovies go to waste.

And his friend also has food. It’s a...yes!...it’s a giant kebab with extra everything! He’s unwrapping it now and...did you see that? He inadvertently opened it upside down! And they’re both remonstrating with the driver for cracking open a window!

Kebab meat and anchovies everywhere – and the one looking for anchovies appears to have just put a lump of old chewing gum in his mouth by mistake. Amazing!

In just a little while we’ll be returning to Drunk Cam Three to find out whether the group have been able to communicate their destinations to the driver, and then later on there’s a real treat from Drunk Cam Five, which captured a remarkable regurgitation only a few minutes ago.

Our producer says the footage even includes the relatively rare post-regurgitation call of, ‘Sorry, mate – must’ve been a bad pint.’

In the meantime, a passenger in the Drunk Cam Eight taxi has just worked out that their driver has a foreign accent and is loudly trying to guess where they’re from.”

My confusion over thinking like a thief

I’M grateful to some friends who helpfully explained a vital piece of official advice to me the other day.

Without their aid, I’d still be in a state of befuddlement. Perhaps it’s my age.

Anyway, the advice - that ordinary people should think like burglars in order to prevent themselves from becoming victims of burglars – turned out to be very pertinent and sensible once I understood it.

My friends explained that it meant I should go through my house looking for potential weaknesses a burglar might exploit in order to get in and nick my stuff.

For example, people who are having fireworks parties in their back gardens should make sure any door or window they can’t see is securely closed and locked.

Burglars, you see, like nothing better than easy entry to our homes while we’re distracted.

Taking a few simple precautions can make the difference between deterring and encouraging criminals.

My confusion came because I misinterpreted being advised to think like a burglar.

I initially thought it meant I should think nothing of violating any home or business which took my fancy, even if it meant traumatising innocent human beings and perhaps forcing them to move because they no longer felt safe.

I thought it meant not being particularly worried about doing so because I’d only stand about a one in 10 chance of being caught.

I thought it meant that if I were unlucky enough to be caught I could rest assured that any old nonsense I told the court by way of an excuse would be wholeheartedly believed, and that the suffering of anybody whose life I casually wrecked would be dismissed as casually as a fly.

I thought it meant being given last chances and the benefit of the doubt for years on end.