Of course dear I'm free, yes I'll look after Callum,
I've got Anadin Extra, and I've saved up some Valium.
Yes, as long as you like, I'll give him his tea
You know how he's always such company for me.'
We think Callum's 10 months, but we're really not sure
Cos I swear that his brain's been on this earth before.
He is so creative, got the absolute knack
Of creating havoc and bedlam at the turn of my back.
I've moved all the Wedgewood and hidden the cat
The shoe polish is out of reach so he can't consume that.
I've taken the bleach out from under the sink,
There's nothing he'll find there now - I don't think!
The phone's up on the freezer, I'm taking no chance,
Last time someone answered from Lyon in France.
Oh, he's here, why do I think now all hell will unfold?
Perhaps it's my hormones, or I'm just getting old.
Once it never alarmed me what each visit brings
Now I just look for a way to get out of things.
Callum's the same for he's found a way out of doors
And making a bee-line for the pond on all fours.
But no! The poppies attract him, the orangey reds,
This year, hubby dear, they've come up with no heads.
Well! Callum's been and he's gone and all without hitch,
It was only the last hour I developed this twitch.
There's only one knob missing off of the telly,
And how well the rug blends in with raspberry jelly!
But a mum is a mum for as long children remain
And she'll give the same answer when the phone rings again.
Of course dear, you know it's always all right,
Let him bring his pyjamas, he can stay overnight!'