I LIKE giving handy hints.

I’m good at it because I’m calm and I’m non-judgmental.

Everybody says I’m non-judgmental, although for some reason they tend to mumble the words and I can’t always make out the syllables ‘non’ and ‘judge’.

This week I have some handy hints for people who make special Christmas adverts for supermarkets, store chains and other large organisations.

Firstly, when spending millions of pounds on an ad, beware of not announcing the name of your business early enough.

This is especially true if your ad is designed to play on the heartstrings and make us consider the true meaning of Christmas.

You don’t want to lull people into thinking they’re watching something other than an advert.

The last thing you want is for potential customers to shed sentimental tears at some nice little drama, only to feel cheated and resentful when they realise it’s just another inducement to spend.

On an entirely unrelated note, if any snowmen happen to be reading this, Amazon and eBay both sell knitwear, so you can buy from the comfort of home without having to worry about melting in a queue or having revellers rip out your guts and chuck them at one another.

Come to think of it, by staying put you can also avoid giving us nightmares, because a snowman supernaturally capable of scaling mountains and fording rivers is more than capable of sneaking into houses at three in the morning, creeping into bedrooms one by one and leaning, silent and grinning and blank-eyed, over sleepers as he quietly wraps his long twiggy fingers around their necks.

Or perhaps it’s just me who thinks like that. Sorry, folks. As you were. Sleep tight.

Another pitfall to avoid if you’re making a TV advert is suggesting that preparing for Christmas is entirely women’s work.

It probably sounded complimentary when the idea was first mooted at some strategy meeting or other, but in practice it’s as patronising as that female-oriented American cigarette commercial from the 1970s, the one whose slogan was: “You’ve come a long way, baby.”

By the same token, if you’re another major store group and you’ve spent years making commercials saying all men are useless, selfish, pathetic, domestically-incompetent malingerers who take to their beds at the slightest hint of a cold, don’t be surprised if we ignore your friendly new Christmas ads and buy our personal grooming requisites elsewhere.

And besides, most of us would only be seen dead in one of your stores if you brought back the home brew department.

Finally, if you’re an American multi-national drinks company, please note that what is coming is not ‘holidays’. Holidays are what British people have in summer, and can involve everything from the National Trust to a stretch in a foreign jail.

What is coming is Christmas.