If you’re like me and thousands of other people in this country, you probably have a problem saying “no” to people. You feel like you have to say yes because you don’t want to hurt someone’s feelings or upset them. People often try and guilt you into saying yes especially when they are desperate without any other options.

This can build up of gradual resentment and frustration which in turn can hurt relationships. People tend to feel as if it is directed toward the one asking for the favour. It also means that you often feel as if you have very little control over your time and your life. If you are saying “yes” to everyone’s requests and favours, then it leaves no time to do what you need to do for yourself.

It’s kind of like you are being sucked up into a sinkhole and not being able to pull yourself up and out. Once you say “yes” the ones you do the favours keep expecting you to not say “no”. If you say “no” to others requests and demands, it is equal to pulling yourself up and out of that sinkhole. It puts you in control.

Our beliefs about saying”no” need to be modified and challenged. Especially if you were brought up by your parents that saying no is any of the following: 1.) Saying “no” is selfish.

2.) Saying “no” will upset others 3.) Saying “no” is rude.

4.) If I say “no” to someone they will no longer like me.

5.) Saying “no” to minor requests is petty.

What is the key to saying “no”? Here are two examples.

1.) I have the right to refuse and others have the right to ask.

2.) When you say “no”, you are refusing the request or demand not the person.

There are many ideas for saying “no” and not feeling bad or guilty about it.

1.) Be polite-say something like”thank you for asking but…..”

2.) Be honest about your feelings. It really helps to say “I find this difficult….”

3.) As a rule keep it brief, avoid rambling on.

4.) Speak slowly with warmth or else “no” may sound harsh.

Ways of saying “no” without the guilty conscious.

1.) The reasoned “no”. This gives your genuine reason for saying “no”.

2.) The direct “no”. Say “no” without apologising. It is not your fault.

3.) The enquiring “no”. This is not a definite “no” and could leave room for negotiation.

4.) The rain checks “no”. This leaves room for negotiation without hurting anyone’s feelings.

5.) The broken record “no”. This involves repeating a simple statement of refusal over and over.

The NHS offers many courses that can help you, just contact your local surgery and they can give you more information. They are free of charge and are very helpful.

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Readers who submit articles must agree to our terms of use. The content is the sole responsibility of the contributor and is unmoderated. But we will react if anything that breaks the rules comes to our attention. If you wish to complain about this article, contact us here